funny – The Dave

Are we dead yet?

Dave — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 11:15:44 +0000

So apparently the world should be ending right about now. If it does, will someone text me so that I notice?

If it doesn’t, can we all just skip the end of the world stupidity for a couple generations? Please?

The Truth About Dental Hygiene

Dave — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 08:41:42 +0000

The Day of The Bird

Dave — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 00:02:13 +0000

Just wishing all of my American Friends a Happy Thanksgiving this year. Oh and if it’s not too much trouble, please try to avoid trampling too many of your fellow citizens on Black Friday.

Opening wine without a corkscrew?

Dave — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:35:52 +0000

Here’s the scene: It’s New Year’s Eve. Or any “time to drink” event really… You’re trying to pretend you’re classy by drinking wine, but the guy who was supposed to bring a corkscrew made the mistake of eating at Taco Bell earlier that day, and he’s stuck in a bathroom somewhere.

Or maybe you’re on a plane, where corkscrews aren’t allowed, although a bit breakable glass bottle that could furnish dozens of useful weapons is just fine as long as you buy it at duty-free.

Either way, you’re thirsty, sober, and need to resolve both of those problems. You take stock of what you have: Wine. Clothes. Glasses. Angry people to please. What do you do?

I don’t drink, but I also don’t drive so I’m useless as a designated dork. Oh well. Have fun, stay safe, and if you do drive drunk, try to not kill anyone else when you kill yourself ‘eh?

(Thanks to Carlos Miller for pointing this out)

Ziploc brand gravy

Dave — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 09:59:42 +0000

Mmmm… Gravy! For the record, this is last night’s leftover gravy with the lid removed.

Oh, and it was delicious!

Christmas decorations

Dave — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:32:08 +0000

Who knows if this is real or not, but either way, it’s a beautiful story…

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard

(Shamelessly stolen from wtfcalls.net)

Nope, you’re not that good a driver

Dave — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:19:01 +0000

I'm txting while driving

Dear genius: Pay attention to the road when you’re driving would you please? If you’re turning off the road into a restaurant parking lot you’re probably not so hungry that you don’t have time to look around a bit first, nor are you that important that your text message can’t wait the 9 seconds before you’re parked.

If you forget to look whether or not there is a pedestrian on the sidewalk that you’re crossing, at least try to not look like your underwear has a fresh brown stain when I knock on your windshield as you almost hit me, mmmkay?

What an age we live in: Stalking, iPhone Style

Dave — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:20:52 +0000

See, I knew there was a reason I got an iPhone!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Peaches

Dave — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 08:18:42 +0000

I’d like to thank my parents for these peaches:

Ever put the alphabet in alphabetical order?

Dave — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 11:01:09 +0000

I’ve given up on the missing pieces from the Phonetic alphabet for dummies for the moment, and instead, I bring you the alphabet in alphabetical order:

Aitch
Are
Ay
Bee
Cue
Dee
Doubleu
Ee
Ef
El
Em
En
Ess
Ex
Eye
Gee
Jay
Kay
Oh
Pea
See
Tee
Vee
Wy
Yu
Zee

Any questions?